When someone you know loses a loved one, it can be hard to know what to say or do. Many people worry about saying the wrong thing and end up saying nothing at all. But offering condolences does not need to be complicated. A thoughtful gesture or kind word can bring real comfort during one of life’s most difficult times.

Whether you are attending a service or sending a message from afar, here are the key do’s and don’ts to help you offer sincere and respectful condolences.

What to Do When Offering Condolences

1. Speak from the Heart

It is okay if you do not have the perfect words. A simple “I’m so sorry for your loss” is often enough. Speak with honesty and warmth. Avoid overthinking your message. It is more important to be genuine than eloquent.

2. Share a Memory

If you knew the person who passed away, sharing a kind or meaningful memory can be comforting. It shows that their life mattered and made a difference. Try something like, “I’ll never forget the time he helped me when I was going through a tough patch” or “Her laugh always lit up the room.”

3. Send a Handwritten Card or Message

In a digital world, a handwritten card still carries special weight. It can be kept and revisited during moments of reflection. If you are unable to write, a well-worded email or text message is still appreciated. The important thing is to reach out.

4. Offer Practical Help

Grieving families are often overwhelmed with tasks. Offering practical help like preparing meals, doing school drop-offs or helping coordinate with funeral directors can make a real difference. Instead of saying “Let me know if you need anything,” try being specific: “I’ll bring dinner over tomorrow” or “I’m free Thursday to watch the kids.”

5. Respect Cultural or Religious Traditions

Every culture and religion has different customs around death and mourning. Try to understand and respect these traditions, even if they are unfamiliar. This includes how condolences are given, whether flowers are appropriate and what to say at a funeral service.

6. Be Present

Sometimes just showing up is the most powerful gesture. If you are attending a funeral, arrive on time, dress appropriately and behave with quiet respect. Even if you are unsure what to say, your presence alone will be meaningful to the family.

What Not to Do When Offering Condolences

1. Don’t Use Clichés

Phrases like “They’re in a better place” or “At least they lived a long life” might be meant to comfort, but they can feel dismissive. Avoid turning the focus away from the person’s pain. Stick to sincere, simple words of support.

2. Don’t Make It About You

It might be tempting to share your own story of loss to relate, but be careful not to shift the attention. The grieving person’s experience should be the focus. If you do share something, keep it short and return to offering support.

3. Don’t Offer Unsolicited Advice

Avoid telling people how to grieve, how long it will last or what they should be doing. Grief is a personal journey. Everyone processes it differently. Instead, offer space for them to feel what they need to feel without judgement.

4. Don’t Disappear After the Funeral

Many people receive support immediately after a death but feel forgotten weeks later. Continue to check in with the grieving person in the days and months ahead. A simple text or phone call saying “I’m thinking of you today” can mean a lot.

5. Don’t Pressure Them to Talk

While it’s good to let someone know you are there to listen, don’t pressure them into opening up. Some people need time before they’re ready to talk. Let them know you are available, then give them space to reach out when they feel comfortable.

Condolences in a Modern World

With today’s busy lives and people often spread across the globe, it’s not always possible to attend a funeral or visit in person. That’s okay. There are still many ways to show you care. You can send flowers, donate to a cause the deceased cared about or leave a message through an online tribute page. Many funeral directors offer these services now as part of their arrangements, making it easier to stay connected and express support.

Grief is never easy, and no one expects you to have all the answers. Offering condolences is about compassion, not perfection. A kind word, a thoughtful message or a helping hand can go a long way in showing someone they are not alone. Be respectful, be sincere and be present.

By keeping these do’s and don’ts in mind, you can offer comfort in a way that truly supports those who are hurting. And remember, even if you feel unsure, saying something is always better than saying nothing at all.